I think the first thing we have to do is ask the question, what is “normal”? If you would look this up in any dictionary, many definitions would define it as conforming to some norm, or standard. In regards to development, the definition relates to being on par with some average standard of development, possibly even connected to a standardized test and a score. And these definitions are pretty much the line of thinking that most people have when it comes to the development of their child. Will my child ever be able to conform to societal norms, and be "just like everybody else?"
What we have to think about though, is that in fact true? Do our children need to be, “just like everybody else?” Whether a child has Autism, Down Syndrom, Fragile X, or any other disability, or even if a child has no disability whatsoever, who says that any one person is required to conform to a societal norm?
I had a classmate in college, that relayed over to us a story of a friend of hers who has a brother that still lives in his parent’s house, plays on the computer, and has very few friends. At first glance this seems like a sad story, but the story continues that although this is his life, it is actually a very productive life as his use of the computer is not just something of leisure, but rather he has a job in computers, something that he can do from home, and though his few friends might be just as socially awkward as he is, they are all FRIENDS even though they are few. He lives a very productive life, is happy, and functions within the societal norm.
And I think this brings us to what I believe is the behavior analytic perspective on what is considered to be “normal.”
Normal is not about conforming to any standard, but rather normal is about the ability to function within society, and to be happy.
And this is something that I think everyone has the ability to learn to do and accomplish. Though some of our kids might need some supports to do this – some more and some less – and many might not need them at all. But if we look at ourselves, can we ever say that never need support from someone else? Can we ever say that we always conform to a societal norm? The answer is clearly “no”, and so how can we expect that from our kids? We have learned to be happy in our lives, and to function within the societal norm, despite our differences from it. And, we can teach our kids to do the same. They may have more differences, but just like anyone else, they can still learn – and so we just need to find a way to teach them. Through the various therapies out there, children of all ages and types can learn and grow into functionally developed people and live in society.
Therapies such as ABA (applied behavior analysis) use the functions of behaviors – the reasons why people do things – to help show our children when and how to act based on the events happening around them, and then through the principles of behavior, such as reinforcement– the children learn when their behavior results in positive or negative outcomes. This is the same way we learn. We typically continue to do things that result in positive outcomes, and refrain from doing things that result in negative outcomes, and though our children might need to learn this in a more intense setting, they can still learn it. And therefore, they can also learn to be “normal.” They can learn to be happy, and function within the societal norms. They can still lead productive lives.
חֲנֹךְ לַנַּעַר עַל פִּי דַרְכּוֹ גַּם כִּי יַזְקִין לֹא יָסוּר מִמֶּנָּה – Train a child according to his way; even when he grows old, he will not turn away from it. (Translation from Chabad.org)
They can learn – we should teach them.
With just bit of awareness and a few simple tips, parents can really help their child start a conversation, and provide the child with the feeling that the child also an integral part of the social fabric within his or her environment.
Parents do not need to act as therapists and they do not necessarily need to be skilled in making conversation, in order to help their child start a conversation. They should simply show the child how it’s done, role play it with siblings or spouse, and practice the skills with the child repeatedly.
First, the child needs to show interest in the conversation by making eye contact, by smiling, by asking a question, or by making a comment. Children should be shown how to look at the person, to smile and greet, such as “Good morning! How are you? What’s doing? What’s news? Parents should use phrases that are used at your child’s particular school. In a Yiddish speaking school, a parent may want to model a question such as “Vus iz Neias?”Showing interest in others by asking questions relevant to the child’s conversational partner is also a great way to start a conversation. For example, “How was your sister’s wedding last night?”, or “How did you spend your time on Shabbos afternoon?” Other interest questions could focus on
Showing interest in others by asking questions relevant to the child’s conversational partner is also a great way to start a conversation. For example, “How was your sister’s wedding last night?”, or “How did you spend your time on Shabbos afternoon?” Other interest questions could focus on yomim tovim. “What will you dress up as, on Purim?”, or “What did your mother already clean for Pesach?”
A comment could include a compliment, such as “I like your new jacket”, “you did very well today at the farher.” or something like “You look very happy today”. Parents are encouraged to inform their children about current events, politics, family occasions at their age level. This provides them with material to start
“You look very happy today”.
Parents are encouraged to inform their children about current events, politics, family occasions at their age level. This provides them with material to start conversation. For example, a child may start off with “My father told me that President Trump went to Israel”, or “Did you hear that the Yeshiva is making a Melave Malka?” “My first cousin was engaged to the Menahel’s son”.
The parent’s role is to model such exchanges to the child many times, and then role playing these exchanges with siblings or spouses. The child needs to be exposed to these give and takes, and needs to be able to practice them in a non threatening environment. By observing how siblings are using conversation starters that “work”, and by practicing them repeatedly at home, the child will have an easier time trying them at school.
